“The unexamined life is not worth living.
                                                                    - Socrates

Posted by Billie on Jul 05, 2016

The truth is, every time I meet a man that I have chemistry with, my mind goes into what could be… I find it a truly liberating experience of positivity because it doesn’t come from a “crazy” begging-to-be-filled void, but rather, an inspiring option for building something greater than either of us could alone. I mean, imagine it for a moment that this person truly wants to create a life with you, even if just for a little while – what beauty or change could we mold... How much easier could it be to reach higher... No holds barred… What could it mean to try?

 

I got back from a few months of traveling to find both my mail pile even higher & my bank balance even lower than I had expected. Extremist that I am, I put myself on a strict “reorganize & spend nothing” system (which never usually lasts long). This included the half-used bottles from various expensive beauty clubs & my old dermatologist on Rodeo Drive all obtained back when I had the money to throw at whatever the latest & greatest was... I decided I was going to eat all the food & use all the consumer goods left in the apartment before I was allowed to go to the store.

 

My first bottle of face lotion came out as a watery fluid. “It must be too old,” I thought, so I shook it hard & squeezed some extra pumps onto my face... I continued to do this – a good 6 squeezes of slathered moisturizer in the morning, & again at night, but after 3 days, my face was burning intensely. The next morning it got even worse & I finally read the small print: “Use 1-2 pumps every 2-3 nights,” & then it listed a number of acids. *hangs head in shame of stupidity* The next day my entire face was not just burning anymore, but peeling too.

 

Just as I was admiring the red blotches of sunburn-looking debauchery & picking at the small, white skin flakes with tweezers, my roommate came home: “Soooooo... I did this student film when I was in 7th grade in Long Island & now the director’s made it big-time. He’s sent me 2 tickets for the meet-&-greet premier screening tomorrow – you'll be my plus one, right?”

 

I was ecstatic for the subject matter, “Of course!” I jumped up & down incessantly, completely forgetting what I looked like.

 

The peels picked up momentum overnight, my Mom took to calling me “Lizard Face” & as I reached for makeup to hide it as we got ready for the matinee, I realized I that I had tossed the remnants of it all in Denver, lightening my carry-on figuring I had spares waiting when I got home... Only I didn’t. And now I was on a spending freeze. Deep in the makeup box I found some old tinted moisturizer (which stung like a bitch to put on) & after gaining last look approval from my roommate, off we went to the theater.

 

Of course roommate’s old friend slash new big-time director was super hot.

 

And straight.

 

And as I went for an introduction handshake, he instead pulled me into a hug…

 

*embarrassed swoon*

 

Luckily, some of my charm worked & before I knew it, he was inviting me out. Later that night he messaged saying he would be at the bar early & would wait – “Reroute here instead & we can walk together?” I asked, hopeful to share a Sunset Blvd. stroll on a gorgeous July night with him. I walk these infamous streets alone all the time, but to feel the intoxication of a new crush amongst all the lights & flirtation would have been a welcome, exciting change… And again, would feed into the what could be.

 

My Mom text me: “Auntie & I found an article on your new crush. Says here he was a professional forklift driver, but was fired on the spot for deciding his new uniform was nothing more than his underwear & boots.”

 

Oh, my, gooooood… For real? Great! Now I like him even more!”

 

Everything seemed to be going fine, except, he was on his phone all the time. When I said I’d let him get to whatever was so important, he argued for me to stay, even sliding over to my side of the booth as he ordered another drink, offering me one as well. But not much later, these were the words that came out of his mouth: “So, look at what this girl on Tinder said to me…” as he leaned his phone toward my face.

 

“Bummer we didn’t meet until now, I leave tomorrow morning,” his side read.

 

“Oh no. :(  But there’s still enough time to have you in mouth,” her response was beneath it.

 

Now, I have never been on Tinder, so I don’t know if this seemingly on-demand, interactive-porn is normal, but I was fucking pissed off. I excused myself amongst his confused, half-hearted efforts to keep my attention & his offer to get me an Uber home. It was a beautiful night & although far past my bedtime, I had a gut instinct that it was a gorgeous night for a walk across my neighborhood. Luckily, I was right.